What Fish Don’t See

Walker Percy observed that a fish does not reflect on the nature of water: “A fish cannot imagine its absence, so he cannot consider its presence.” Humans also live in an environment shaped by essential social forces so prevalent we instantly react and accommodate them although they are rarely noticed, contemplated, or discussed. These include trust and its essential components of candor and responsibility; power and its manifestations as dominance, stature, and influence; primal messaging, how we decide what to believe, our first person viewpoint, and how we approach conflict.

When we meet a new person we inevitably size him up. Can I trust him? Do I believe what he says? Can I depend on him? Can he hurt me? Can he help me? Do I like him? Can we get along? What can I learn from him? Where do we agree? Where do we disagree? The answers to these essential questions help us understand if we want to approach this person or avoid him, and how we will get along in any case.

The degree of trust we extend to another person strongly shapes our relationship. When we believe what others say and can depend on them, we work together smoothly, efficiently, creatively, openly, collaboratively, and quickly. When we distrust a person, we are defensive, cautious, closed, indirect, and often manipulative. We use many factors to assess trustworthiness, primarily including candor and responsibility.

Our conversations are most genuine when we begin with well considered thoughts, acknowledge our feelings, are clear and honest about what we want to say and we treat our listeners as respected peers. These are the authentic elements of candor and are essential to building trust. No spin, half-truths, misrepresentations, sales-pitches, insults, decrees, blather, or cryptic comments, instead just straightforward, sincere, and honest communications. People accurately sense what is authentic and prefer it to phony.

Trust is the decision to rely on another, and responsibility is at the core of this reliance. Having responsibility is the duty or obligation to act. Taking responsibility is acknowledging and accepting the choices you have made, the actions you have taken, and the results they have led to. Trust depends on both having responsibility and on taking responsibility. Responsibility is congruence of what you think, what you say, and what you do. It is essential for reciprocity, trust, and for maintaining peer relationships.

The symmetry of each relationship also profoundly shapes our behavior. Power is an asymmetrical two-person relationship. You treat the boss, the Nobel Prize winner, the rock star, and talk-show hosts very differently than they treat you. You defer to the boss because he can hurt you; this is an example of dominance. You seek out the Nobel Prize winner because you believe he can help you. This is an example of stature. You are attracted to the rock star because you hope to increase your status by associating with people having high social rank. Because you believe much of what the talk show host tells you he becomes influential. Power relationships are one-sided, peer relationships are symmetrical. You may be the one-up in some power relationships and the one-down in others. Peer relationships are sustained by dialogue, power relationships are validated by dogma.

Good vibrations, bad vibrations, no vibrations; we certainly feel something as we meet another person and get to know them. Emotions form our connections to others below our cognitive awareness. This primal messaging is a constant signaling between the limbic systems of two beings. It is often non-verbal, and often takes place below the level of consciousness. These messages have a vocabulary at the very core of our relationships. Do we approach or avoid, like or dislike, feel safe or afraid, agree or disagree? We associate with each person an unmistakable impression that may be comfortable or uncomfortable based on an integration of these signals by our emotional brain.

We are inundated with information every day. Friends tell you one thing, authorities say something else, and the evidence points in yet another direction. Because we are deluged by a constant flood of information from a wide variety of sources, each of us must evaluate and decide for ourselves what information is reliable and what is not. We dismiss most of it and come to believe some. We often discount evidence while we accept distortions. Although few of us can describe how we decide what we believe, we hold firmly to some beliefs while we flip flop on others. We base many of our daily decisions on strongly-held beliefs of unknown origin.

Seeing things from our own point of view is always easier, and first-hand experiences seem more real than understanding another's point of view can ever be. Your eyes, nose, taste buds, tactile sensors, and ears connect directly only to your brain. Only you experience first-hand the direct sensory input of the world; you are the observer. This raw sensory input is interpreted and gains meaning through your unique perceptions and past experiences. Furthermore, contemplation, desire, intent, pain, introspection, consciousness, and reflection are all private and solitary. This unique first-person viewpoint of the world creates a fundamental asymmetry that contributes to many other asymmetries that govern social interactions. We judge others based on behavior and we judge ourselves based on intent. Your own point of view, the way you see things, is unique. The golden rule and our empathy struggle to overcome this fundamental imbalance.

We face conflict whenever we encounter contradictory goals. Agreeing on what to cook for dinner, where to go on vacation, who washes the dishes, or what car to buy are examples of the many simple conflicts we may face each day. Choosing between communism, dictatorship, and democracy; electing the democrat or the republican; pro-life vs. pro choice; nuclear energy, conservation, or burning more oil; the safety and comfort of an SUV vs. green transportation alternatives, and many other mega-conflicts are at the center of the most important issues facing our world. Conflict is unavoidable; fortunately we can learn to transcend conflict as we avoid false dichotomies.

Like fish in water, we are constantly surrounded by the almost invisible issues of trust, power, emotions, beliefs, first person viewpoint, and conflict. Better understanding of these concepts can help us to stay afloat.

Spontaneous Conflict and Deliberate Restraint

Abstract: Conflict emerges spontaneously whenever three conditions are present: 1) contention, 2) first person viewpoint, and 3) sources of power. Each of these conditions is a human universal. No wonder conflict is ubiquitous, and violence is such a prominent condition of human existence. However, humans also have the capacity for cognitive choice and deliberate restraint. The only alterative to conflict is choosing: 1) not to contend, or 2) to adopt alternative viewpoints, or 3) to exercise power only constructively.

Conflict
Human conflict is spontaneous, ubiquitous, and often violent. Siblings squabble; co-workers and associates bicker, betray, and sabotage each other, bullies abuse their victims, lovers quarrel, couples fight and divorce bitterly. Gang violence, rape, and murder occur constantly. The violence of war and genocide are nearly constant somewhere on our planet.

Contention
We contend for a wide variety of scarce resources. Shortages of earth’s land, forests, sea, fresh water, clean air, vistas, coast line, inhabitable regions, food sources, minerals, and other natural resources make tragedies of the commons all too common. When there is a shortage of food or water, a few get what they need, and many others don’t. Even when we have adequate water, food, and shelter, humans contend over many other scarce resources. We contend for territory, social rank, and sexual access to the most desirable mates. Siblings rival for parent’s attention; workers contend for the best assignments, the boss’s attention, the biggest raise, and the next promotion. We want to be the first on our block to own an iPhone, take the best vacation, own the biggest house, have an ocean view, drive the newest car, tell the most interesting story, and send the kids to the best summer camp and college. Even when physiological needs are fully met, we contend for attention, respect, acceptance, status, and image. We contend to meet our psychological needs for autonomy, competency, and relatedness that are poorly understood and rarely met. Money has been called the root of all evil, but we fight just as viscously even when no money or material goods are at stake.

Viewpoint
Each of us has our unique first-person viewpoint. No one else sees what we see, hears what we hear, knows what we know, and thinks what we think. Nothing anyone could say or do can become as vivid a reality as our own point of view. First person viewpoint is the fundamental asymmetry of humanity. Each of us sincerely believes our own perceptions, judgments, decisions, and opinions are the most reliable. We are intrinsically self-centered. We expect others to be reasonable; do it my way.

Power
Power is an asymmetrical relationship; the more powerful experience each interaction differently than the less powerful do. The one-down envies the one-up. Power arises from any one of three fundamental stances: the ability to harm, the ability to help, and the ability to influence.

Dominance is the ability to harm, and humans use their creativity to unleash the primitive concept of fighting and extend their ability to harm others in a remarkable variety of ways. These include visual and vocal threats, ridicule, teasing, accusing, blaming, insulting, criticizing, and other forms of humiliation. Positional authority and hierarchical organization structures formalize dominance hierarchies in many organizations. Alliances may form to balance formal power structures. Deceit, cheating, sabotage, and snares damage our colleagues and associates. Shouting, hitting, bullying, and fist fights routinely inflict their harm. Road rage is almost fashionable. Control and use of weapons and other technologies escalates violence on a massive scale.

Dominance triggers fear and leads quickly to insult, anger, humiliation, hate, and vengeance—the passionate desire for revenge. These powerful forces perpetuate destructive cycles.

Stature is the ability to help others, and it is a more difficult form of power to attain. But the rich, famous, talented, or dedicated can have an enormous impact. Philanthropists contribute money to help millions, dedicated scientists and doctors work to cure disease, social workers and activists help the less fortunate, and musicians give charity concerts, as others who could help only squander their wealth, fame, fortune, and talent.

The emotions of pride, shame, envy, gloating, and contempt fuel our quest for stature.

Influence is the ability to alter the belief of others. It is a subtle and insidious source of power. Billions of dollars depend on choosing Coke over Pepsi, and choosing to drink soda instead of water. More billions depend on the decision to smoke, drink, gamble, abuse drugs, buy the latest fashions, indulge our temptations, or succumb to the latest fad. Retail prescription drug marketing has increased sales by billions. Religions gain converts by influencing parishioners; political candidates gain office by influencing voters. Lobbyists get favorable legislation by influencing politicians. Public opinion determines winners and losers and even starts and sustains wars.

Conflict results whenever the asymmetry of power combines with the first-person viewpoint to contend for resources. Because these simple conditions are ever-present, conflict is spontaneous.

Restraint
Yet somehow civilization emerges from this barbarism. Humans have remarkable capacities for comprehension, planning, imagination, foresight, and compassion. We can choose to avoid conflict by how we decide to allocate resources, understanding other viewpoints, and restraining power.

Stewardship of earth’s scarce natural resources can conserve what we have and preserve adequate fresh air, fresh water, and food sources. Allocation agreements that ensure everyone has enough before anyone gets too much can meet the physiological needs of every person. Focusing on authentic stature rather than image and status symbols can reduce much of the contention for the first, biggest, and best. Choose to value peace of mind, integrity, giving and gaining the respect of others, tranquility, clean air, clean water, the beauty of nature, a healthy environment to enjoy now and sustain for the future, family, friendships, community, safety, stability, trust, leisure time, meaningful work, authentic experiences, reciprocity, respect, good health, reduced stress, ongoing education, fun, enjoyment of the arts, transcendence, and making significant contributions that help others. Know that there is enough to go around. Do your best; others do not have to lose so that you can win.

Engage in dialogue to fully understand other’s viewpoints. Listen with empathy, suspend judgment, act with respect, form your own carefully considered opinions, and only then speak your voice and act. Employ the fundamental principles of reciprocity and symmetry to attain a viewpoint that can be replicated and sustained. Constantly challenge your own first-person viewpoint by recognizing it is fundamentally self-centered. Challenge other’s self-centered viewpoints. Find an integrating point of view that accommodates all other fragmented viewpoints. Attain a viewpoint that sustains and advances all humanity.

Choose to exercise power only constructively; to help others, never to destroy and hurt.

Only through relentless restraint can we overcome spontaneous conflict and escape the prisons of fear, hate, violence, and humiliation.