Emotional Competency

Six Words Tell Each Haunting Tale—A collection of very short stories.

2010-11-11T10:16:00.000-08:00

Each line is a short six-word story written to elicit a particular emotion. It may be helpful for you to try to identify the emotion or emotions you feel when reading each story. In cases when one particular emotion is prominent, the story is linked to a description of that emotion. Feel free to contribute you own short six-word story in the comments section.

She undressed seductively while I watched.

She kissed him. I left her.

I left. She bawled, then jumped.

Piss me off, still no answer.

Away on tour when baby died.

Stole the stop sign. Fatal prank.

Road Rage. Chased him. Cars Flipped.

Played chicken. Cars over the cliff.

Rather than starve, we ate corpses.

Alone at night. What’s that sound?

My heart soars at her touch.

I asked her, she said yes.

I asked her, she became sad.

The Doctor called with the results.

I just found out I’m pregnant.

The doctor said, it’s a boy.

We regret to inform you …

The cancer returned, worse this time.

His eyes closed this last time.

We have to let you go.

The election results are now in.

Your SAT scores are now available.

We are pleased to announce …

The Congressman called, he’s recommending you.

The Vice President personally congratulated her.

General Petraeus promoted her to Captain.

She flew 100 combat missions safely.

Coping with Abundance

2009-10-18T05:55:00.000-07:00

Millions of years of evolution have prepared humans to survive in a dangerous world of scarce resources and aggressive predators. Many human emotions form an armor that served our ancestors well by protecting them against the many deadly dangers of their ancient world. We are always wary; suspicious of dangers lurking everywhere. Our exquisitely sensitive perceptions of fear and anxiety are especially vigilant in alerting us to a wide variety of dangers: real, potential, or imagined. Fear works so quickly that we are poised to defend even before we can comprehend danger.

Our easily learned distrust and hatred of strangers—outsiders who are different and may pose a threat—developed to keep us safe from possible foes. Our quick anger protects our territory, defends against trespassers, and warns potential predators to back off. Violent and persistent revenge also serves to defend us against potential predators. Fighting ability, and other forms of power and predation, often determined who got to eat and who starved to death. Selfish greed was an essential survival skill. Social rank often determined access to mates. Our disgust of toxic substances helps us avoid inedible, poisonous, or rotten plants and animals, allowing us to forage safely for nutritious food. Danger was everywhere and we are ever vigilant in noticing it, repelling it, and attacking it.

But abundance is now beginning to displace the scarcity that characterized the world for billions of years. The world is becoming safer. Can humans, wired to survive in a dangerous world of scarce resources, ever realize the full promise of an abundant world? Can we manage a transition from a wary and selfish defensive posture to a life where we relax and share the wonderful possibilities of a safe world with abundant resources? Can we shed our armor, embrace our hope, and learn to thrive together?

Humans survived for millions of years by mastering the law of the jungle—kill or be killed. But the hopeful among us also preached and professed, in every major religion and culture, another rule, the Golden Rule—where we encourage ourselves to treat others as we wish to be treated, or better yet, as they wish to be treated.

Can humans, built for surviving scarcity, cope with this modern abundance and learn to thrive? Can we overcome the destructive powers of suspicion, fear mongering, terrorism, tyranny, greed, and vanity? Can the golden rule ever displace the rule of the jungle? Can our concept of reciprocity manage the transition from revenge to generosity? Can an eye for an eye ever become one good turn deserves another; can random acts of kindness ever become their own sufficient reward?

The golden rule is skittish and timid. Too often the law of the jungle scares off the golden rule, quickly sending it back into hiding. Shout “fire!” and the art gallery quickly empties. Set the threat level to orange and we gladly take our shoes off at the airport, distrust Muslims, buy guns, and approve additional defense spending. Brandish a gun and the high school is overcome with panic. The asymmetry is stunning, but we have the capacity for restraint, we can decide to avoid conflict. Eventually we learn to act for others instead of to others.

Can we invent a better story for ourselves where we sail into a vast universe of possibility? Can we ever orient ourselves toward abundance, learn to give up control, and enjoy the benefits of taking more risk? Can we abandon a world of winning and losing, acceptance and rejection, assessing friend or foe, strength or weakness, attack or retreat? Can we stop hoarding resources, polishing our armor, worrying about the past and future, and struggling to survive in a world of scarcity even as we create abundance? Can we all enjoy making our own contributions? Can we follow our creative passions? Can we get others to come out of their caves, take off their armor, and fully enroll themselves in important work? Can each of us apply our greatness every day by: seizing the possibilities, simple compassion, and authentic contributions?

Humans can hope, learn, grow, invent, create, and make better choices. If we decide to describe revenge, greed, hubris, vanity, fear, and righteousness as the villains—and people as the hope—we can come together to create the possibility of a better world for ourselves. We can create a world where love displaces hate, selfishness gives way to generosity and contribution, hope overcomes fear, trust replaces suspicion, arrogance matures into humility, helping becomes more rewarding than cheating and stealing, winning gives way to enjoyment and fulfillment, and compassion overcomes anger, revenge, and violence. We can enjoy the awesome beauty of nature, the warm rich comfort of healthy relationships, and peace of mind. We can all learn the art of possibility, we can all practice the Golden Rule, and we can enjoy the remarkable potential of our humanity. All our needs can be met; we can all have enough.

We survived scarcity; we can certainly learn to cope with abundance. Know when it is time to get out of the tanks and into the sports cars. Take the risk, enjoy the ride, and explore the possibilities.

References:

The Art of Possibility, by Rosamund Stone Zander, and Benjamin Zander
The Golden Rule web page.

Measuring Human Rights with Wolfram Alpha

2009-05-21T19:32:00.000-07:00

Sixty years after adopting the Universal Declaration of Human Rights we still have no systematic measure of human rights progress across the globe. Today more than one billion people go without safe drinking water. How do we track their numbers and monitor our progress in meeting this vital human need? All of history is the quest for dignity, yet we do not systematically measure dignity.

How can we measure human rights and our progress toward preserving dignity for all humans? Wolfram Alpha (WA) is a powerful new Internet tool for gathering, analyzing, and displaying quantitative information. Let’s put it to work measuring, reporting, and illustrating the condition of human rights around the world so we can direct help to where it is most needed.

Preserving human rights requires meeting human needs. Humans need: air, water, food, shelter, sanitation, sleep, caring touch, autonomy, competency, and relatedness. Can WA help us understand where these needs are being met and where they are not?

Although WA can access, assemble, and report many fascinating and important quantities, asking WA today about “safe drinking water” returns no result. The system could provide more useful human rights-related information if data sources can be located that allow the system to provide maps of have and have not regions, counts of people who do or do not have access to safe drinking water, chart how far people must travel to obtain safe drinking water, show water pollution levels and trends, identify sites where progress is being made, help us visualize hydrology, show public and private ownership of aquifers, track water levels in reservoirs, monitor water-born diseases, track droughts and deserts, etc.

Several searches were tested to begin investigating the present capabilities of WA to provide human rights information. For example the following queries result in substantial and useful international data including: statistics, graphs, countries with highest and lowest levels, etc.

life expectancy
per capita income
unemployment rates
employment of women (US results only)

Querying “poverty” results in a definition, but no maps of impoverished regions, charts of income levels, or trends showing elimination of poverty, are now displayed. Similarly limited results are returned for:

democratic governments
participation in elections
orphans
peace
genocide
slavery
torture
freedom
liberty

No results were obtained when searching for these important terms suggested by the text of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights:

human rights
income levels
literacy levels
political prisoners
length of work week
standard of living
education levels

These very limited results begin to suggest areas where WA capabilities can be extended to improve its usefulness as a human-rights measurement tool.

A draft questionnaire, based directly on the text of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, is now available. Researchers may wish to validate the questionnaire, administer it to selected populations, and make the resulting data available to WA to provide direct information on human rights. Additional proposals for measuring human rights, dignity, and humiliation are also available. One summary of proposals, developed for the 12th annual Human Dignity and Humiliation Studies conference, is now available in both PowerPoint format and .pdf format. If these ideas are further developed they can provide more data for WA.

The global peace index gathers and combines authoritative information sources provided by reliable research organizations to quantify the peacefulness of each nation. This provides a helpful model for how WA can be extended into social-political arenas.

How would WA perform as a human-rights measurements tool? Here are some ideas. A query on “Human Rights” would return several results, including the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, the Questionnaire, and the list of human needs.

Clicking on the Declaration would expand it to show each of the 30 articles separately. Clicking on one of these articles would display maps, charts, and graphs of where this protection is in place and where it is not in place throughout the world. Clicking on the Questionnaire would provide maps showing where the Questionnaire has been used to collect data. Drilling down further, results for a given area are displayed. Also, selecting one of the questionnaire items results in a display showing regions scoring high and regions scoring low for that item. Other statistics for that item are also shown. Selecting one of the needs, such as “safe drinking water” will display information as described above in the water example.

You can help us make this a reality in a variety of ways:

Share this article with others who are interested in protecting human rights. Talk about it, email it, and link to this from your social networking pages, blogs, and web pages.
Provide your comments and ideas for improving this article using the comment feature of this blog. Is the article as clear, compelling, accurate, complete, useful and inspiring as it can be?
Identify existing human rights-related WA queries that provide useful results. Let me know of these so I can begin to assemble them into useful subgroups and announce them.
Use the existing WA feedback mechanism to provide the WA team specific suggestions on improving particular queries related to measuring human rights.
Identify existing data repositories and information sources that WA can use to measure human rights. Bring these to the attention of the WA team.
Create new information sources as a result of your own research work. Alert the WA team to this data.
Administer the Human Rights questionnaire to selected populations. Record the results and make this data available to the WA team.
Offer to join the WA team as a curator of human-rights related information sources or as a human-rights subject matter expert.

Let's take this opportuinty to measure and improve human rights throughout our world. What could be more important?

Creating a Department of Human Rights

2008-07-26T07:40:00.000-07:00

I encourage the next president to create a Department of Human Rights, lead by a cabinet-level Secretary of Human Rights. The purpose of the Department is to protect and preserve human rights throughout the world. This encompasses John Edwards’ goal of ending poverty in America and extends it to become an effort with international scope, guided by the principles of the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights. The simple guiding principle is that everyone has unalienable rights, and our nation cannot remain idle as long as these rights are denied anywhere.

The Department will begin by defining, measuring, and reporting on human rights domestically and throughout the world. Second, the many contributing causes of specific human rights violations will be identified, analyzed, and reported. As the causes contributing to human rights violations become understood then creative political, diplomatic, charity, economic, entrepreneurial,cultural, educational, multinational, and volunteer efforts will be used to address the root causes.

More than one billion people lack access to safe drinking water. Ensuring every person has access to clean and safe drinking water could be a specific and important first project. This is best done with the minimum intervention employing local people using sustainable methods.

All of history is the quest for dignity. What could be more urgent or more important than protecting human rights?

What Fish Don’t See

2008-04-08T16:51:00.000-07:00

Walker Percy observed that a fish does not reflect on the nature of water: “A fish cannot imagine its absence, so he cannot consider its presence.” Humans also live in an environment shaped by essential social forces so prevalent we instantly react and accommodate them although they are rarely noticed, contemplated, or discussed. These include trust and its essential components of candor and responsibility; power and its manifestations as dominance, stature, and influence; primal messaging, how we decide what to believe, our first person viewpoint, and how we approach conflict.

When we meet a new person we inevitably size him up. Can I trust him? Do I believe what he says? Can I depend on him? Can he hurt me? Can he help me? Do I like him? Can we get along? What can I learn from him? Where do we agree? Where do we disagree? The answers to these essential questions help us understand if we want to approach this person or avoid him, and how we will get along in any case.

The degree of trust we extend to another person strongly shapes our relationship. When we believe what others say and can depend on them, we work together smoothly, efficiently, creatively, openly, collaboratively, and quickly. When we distrust a person, we are defensive, cautious, closed, indirect, and often manipulative. We use many factors to assess trustworthiness, primarily including candor and responsibility.

Our conversations are most genuine when we begin with well considered thoughts, acknowledge our feelings, are clear and honest about what we want to say and we treat our listeners as respected peers. These are the authentic elements of candor and are essential to building trust. No spin, half-truths, misrepresentations, sales-pitches, insults, decrees, blather, or cryptic comments, instead just straightforward, sincere, and honest communications. People accurately sense what is authentic and prefer it to phony.

Trust is the decision to rely on another, and responsibility is at the core of this reliance. Having responsibility is the duty or obligation to act. Taking responsibility is acknowledging and accepting the choices you have made, the actions you have taken, and the results they have led to. Trust depends on both having responsibility and on taking responsibility. Responsibility is congruence of what you think, what you say, and what you do. It is essential for reciprocity, trust, and for maintaining peer relationships.

The symmetry of each relationship also profoundly shapes our behavior. Power is an asymmetrical two-person relationship. You treat the boss, the Nobel Prize winner, the rock star, and talk-show hosts very differently than they treat you. You defer to the boss because he can hurt you; this is an example of dominance. You seek out the Nobel Prize winner because you believe he can help you. This is an example of stature. You are attracted to the rock star because you hope to increase your status by associating with people having high social rank. Because you believe much of what the talk show host tells you he becomes influential. Power relationships are one-sided, peer relationships are symmetrical. You may be the one-up in some power relationships and the one-down in others. Peer relationships are sustained by dialogue, power relationships are validated by dogma.

Good vibrations, bad vibrations, no vibrations; we certainly feel something as we meet another person and get to know them. Emotions form our connections to others below our cognitive awareness. This primal messaging is a constant signaling between the limbic systems of two beings. It is often non-verbal, and often takes place below the level of consciousness. These messages have a vocabulary at the very core of our relationships. Do we approach or avoid, like or dislike, feel safe or afraid, agree or disagree? We associate with each person an unmistakable impression that may be comfortable or uncomfortable based on an integration of these signals by our emotional brain.

We are inundated with information every day. Friends tell you one thing, authorities say something else, and the evidence points in yet another direction. Because we are deluged by a constant flood of information from a wide variety of sources, each of us must evaluate and decide for ourselves what information is reliable and what is not. We dismiss most of it and come to believe some. We often discount evidence while we accept distortions. Although few of us can describe how we decide what we believe, we hold firmly to some beliefs while we flip flop on others. We base many of our daily decisions on strongly-held beliefs of unknown origin.

Seeing things from our own point of view is always easier, and first-hand experiences seem more real than understanding another's point of view can ever be. Your eyes, nose, taste buds, tactile sensors, and ears connect directly only to your brain. Only you experience first-hand the direct sensory input of the world; you are the observer. This raw sensory input is interpreted and gains meaning through your unique perceptions and past experiences. Furthermore, contemplation, desire, intent, pain, introspection, consciousness, and reflection are all private and solitary. This unique first-person viewpoint of the world creates a fundamental asymmetry that contributes to many other asymmetries that govern social interactions. We judge others based on behavior and we judge ourselves based on intent. Your own point of view, the way you see things, is unique. The golden rule and our empathy struggle to overcome this fundamental imbalance.

We face conflict whenever we encounter contradictory goals. Agreeing on what to cook for dinner, where to go on vacation, who washes the dishes, or what car to buy are examples of the many simple conflicts we may face each day. Choosing between communism, dictatorship, and democracy; electing the democrat or the republican; pro-life vs. pro choice; nuclear energy, conservation, or burning more oil; the safety and comfort of an SUV vs. green transportation alternatives, and many other mega-conflicts are at the center of the most important issues facing our world. Conflict is unavoidable; fortunately we can learn to transcend conflict as we avoid false dichotomies.

Like fish in water, we are constantly surrounded by the almost invisible issues of trust, power, emotions, beliefs, first person viewpoint, and conflict. Better understanding of these concepts can help us to stay afloat.

Authentic Humility

2008-03-16T06:37:00.000-07:00

Humility is recognizing and accepting our own limitations based on an accurate and modest estimate of our importance and significance. The humble person recognizes he is one among the six billion interdependent people on this earth, earth is one planet circling the sun, and our sun is one of a billion stars in the presently known universe. Our brilliant wisdom is recognized, acknowledged, and accepted along with our profound ignorance. Because of this broad and sound perspective on her significance, the truly humble person cannot be humiliated.

Humility reduces our need for self-justification and allows us to admit to and learn from our mistakes. Our ego stands down. We are better able to balance inquiry with advocacy.

But humble people are easily trampled, oppressed, ignored, or overrun by the arrogant, aggressive, greedy, power-hungry people who are so prominent. No one needs another resentful and helpless wimp, doormat, or milquetoast. There is also no need for false modesty or condescension.

Authentic humility preserves dignity and stands up for the needs of each person. It does not submit to indignity, tolerate violence, or let human needs go unmet, submit to tyranny, or tolerate arrogance. It is authentic because dignity and human needs are authentic, intrinsic to each of us, including ourselves and all others. It is a humility that takes a firm stand for human rights.

Authentically humble people choose to act consistently with their own values rather than submit once again to an impulse. They choose humility over arrogance, stillness over aggression and destruction, cooperation and achievement over rivalry, inclusion over exclusion, needs over wants, peer over power, candor over deceit, stature over status, dignity over disrespect, and authentic over bogus.

Authentic humility is willful, not passive; it understands the significance and potential of a transformation toward humility by all and pursues it relentlessly. It is the simple and symmetrical agreement that I will not trample on you, and I will not be trampled upon. It acts (or remains still) to ensure humility.

We do not tolerate tantrums from two-year olds. Don't tolerate tantrums from your ego, or anyone else's. Quell ego rants. Ensure respect and dignity for all. Become authentically humble.

Embrace authentic humility as if your life depends on it, which of course it does.

Demystifying A New Earth

2008-03-14T10:46:00.000-07:00

Eckhart Tolle’s book A New Earth, Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose is captivating millions of readers. Since being selected for the Oprah Winfrey book club millions of people have been inspired by the awe elicited by this book. But many readers find the material difficult to grasp. Fortunately many of the concepts presented in the book are described elsewhere in a less mystical and more direct style that may appeal to some readers. Here is a guide to several of the concepts discussed in the book, presented in the approximate order they appear in the book, and organized by chapter number. This text reflects only my own interpretation of some of the concepts mentioned in Tolle’s book and is in no way connected with his book or efforts. Follow the links for in-depth descriptions and references for each term.

Chapter 1
Evolution is on-going and sometimes crosses transformational thresholds. This book may cause a collective awakening that allows us to cross such a threshold.

Fear is a basic emotion that quickly alerts us to impending danger. Our emotional brains are wired to defend even before we comprehend.

Greed is a failure to distinguish wants from needs. Wants are insatiable, so greed is ongoing. Needs are rather simple, but not often met. Beyond meeting basic physiological needs, we only require autonomy, competency, and relatedness.

The desire for power has several origins. Tyranny is an abuse of power.

First-person viewpoint is the fundamental asymmetry of humanity. We don’t recognize the many distortions inherent in our thinking.

Chapter 2
In the world there are real objects, collections of real objects, mental symbols we use to represent objects and collections and words we use as labels for objects or symbols. Tolle uses the word “form” to mean label, symbol, or object.

The word “self” has a few meanings and is often synonymous with “ego.”

An ego consumed with wanting more, being better than you, self-justification, and proving itself faultless is destructive. Tolle calls this the "egoic mind".

The “voice in my head” is our own awareness of our self-symbol. We can think about a tree and we can think about our thinking about a tree. When we are thinking about thinking about ourselves we are aware of that voice. At other times, that voice is advising us.

When we confuse stature with status, image, or class, we make the mistake of confusing ourselves with our associations and our attachments. We can begin to mistakenly believe that we become better by having better things or hanging out with better people. But stature can only be attained through the hard work of making authentic contributions toward helping others.

There are paths of progress other than growth. There can be more to life than wanting more.

When an irrevocable loss occurs, we adopt a series of coping strategies. Once we recognize the loss is permanent and cannot be changed we can move past our grief.

Researcher and author Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi has dedicated his career to studying flow—the absence of emotion or consciousness that occurs when we become so engrossed in our present activity that we suspend our self awareness. This is similar to Tolle’s concept of “Presence”.

Chapter 3
A prevalent myth is that stature is a “zero-sum” game and your loss of stature can somehow contribute to my gain in stature. It is the mistaken belief that I can enhance myself if I diminish you. For me to be right, you have to be wrong. This leads us to be destructively competitive. It also drives us apart, to emphasize differences rather than similarities we have with others. This is the precursor to hate.

Hate is the strong emotion based on intense dislike—distancing ourselves from others. It has a simple origin in self-protection, but it is only sustained by cognitive error.

Envy is a synonym for resentment. It is our wanting what another person has.

We always have choices in how we respond to events. We don’t have to react as we always have. For example, there are several paths we can take out of our anger. Choose a constructive path. Don’t be overcome by destructive reactions, become aware of the choices you have. Analyze and step away from your anger, jealousy, envy, blaming, and hate. Be willing to forgive and move on. Don’t take the bait; sidestep dominance contests.

Separate fact from opinion and separate assumptions from well-founded beliefs.

Chapter 4
Many of us live according to introjected regulations—acquiescing to an external motivation without accepting it as our own. We feel obligated to do something, perhaps to fulfill some role or to meet someone else’s expectations. These introjected regulations are the results of someone else’s “shoulds” and “oughts” and they are not authentic to our self. They cause stress, guilt, anxiety, and obligation and have many other negative effects.

For many people their self-esteem is fragile or variable. They are insecure about their stature because they are not confident their authentic stature is high. This makes them very vulnerable to the opinion of others. They have not yet learned that image is not stature and at the end of the day, the only opinion of yourself that matters is your own.

Playing the victim is a destructive tactic of passive aggressive behavior—hostile inaction.

You must become your authentic self before you can have an authentic relationship. Authentic relationships are peer relationships, where each treats the other as an equal and is not filling any other role.

Peace of mind is only achieved by removing obstacles to it. Understand what you can change and what you cannot change. Om shanti, shanti, shanti. Authentic happiness is achieved largely through gratification.

Relatedness—the need to feel connected to others and to feel like you belong—is a psychological need that often goes unrecognized and unfulfilled.

Love has several manifestations, but limbic resonance—an emotional bond created by responsiveness—is at the core of true love.

An essential element of anger is blameworthiness—the belief that someone else is responsible for my loss. A constructive approach to anger begins with examining and challenging this assumption.

St. Augustine famously warned us that: “Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies.” Yet many hot-heads are hostile people who allow resentment to define their temperament; they get angry very easily.

Our egos cause us to distort, select, and interpret evidence to sustain the essential belief: “I'm OK”

Improving our emotional competency—the skills to recognize, interpret, and respond constructively to emotions in yourself and others—increases our awareness and allows us to step back from our egos. With that awareness we can act rather than simply react.

Sometimes we can get fully engaged in our work, lose any sense of self consciousness, and enjoy our state of flow.

Chapter 5
Emotions are subjectively evaluated on a scale ranging from “feeling good” to “feeling bad”. These are often called positive and negative emotions. There must be a goal at stake for an emotion to be aroused. Our emotional response to an event depends on our appraisal of the event. We often adopt unhelpful rules that misguide our response to various events.

We retain vivid memories of past events. Separate mechanisms store emotional memories and cognitive memories. Memories are associative—recalling one aspect of the past event often evokes a more complete memory of the event, including emotional aspects.

We often recall memories, replay past events, and fantasize about making different choices affecting past events. This ruminating is often stressful. Long-lasting painful memories often result in our enduing quest for revenge.

Dominance—the ability to harm another—is the predominant manifestation of power. Abuses of power are common and lead to the oppression of many people. Oppressed people suffer humiliation, harbor resentment, and seek revenge. Tolle uses the term “Pain-body” to collectively describe these bad memories and vindictive passions. It represents the on-going costs of past violence and abuse. People may seek pity, play the victim, indulge their past suffering, adopt pessimistic outlooks, or remain helpless as a result of this long-felt pain. People who allow this pain to become salient in their self-concept are often hot-headed, hostile, and easily become angry.

Forgiveness provides an escape from the cycle of anger, hate, revenge, and violence.

Chapter 6
People may allow themselves to submit to urges originating from their “pain-body.” This may result in anger displays, road rage, or other destructive, violent, dramatic and irresponsible behavior. People may feel less responsible for their actions when they can blame their pain-body. People whose temperament is dominated by pain are easily provoked to anger or hate. They may be described as “having a chip on their shoulder.” Perhaps they believe they are their suffering.

Various conditioned responses can serve as triggers for negative moods or destructive behavior.

Awareness of these mechanisms increases your autonomy and makes it easier to choose more constructive behavior.

It is best to accept what is.

Chapter 7
Behavior—your actions and reactions—is the most reliable indicator of your actual values and goals.

Know thyself. Discover your authentic self—do who you are.

Savor the awe and abundance of nature and the universe.

Integrate reductionist views of the world with holistic views of the world. Combine analysis with synthesis.

Suspend judgment—integrate experiences before forming an opinion or making a decision.

Stress results from resisting loss.

Accept what is, assimilate reality, and don’t argue with it.

Only the present moment is real. Plans are only thoughts about the future, memories are only thoughts about the past.

Choose when to resist and when to flow; become aware.

Self-justification frantically preserves our ego.

Humility prevents humiliation because the ego stands down.

Artists place lines and forms in space. The space is essential; the form is unremarkable without the space.

Chapter 8
This too will pass—everything is impermanent; attachment can be only transient.

By removing the clutter of the foreground—the things, the thoughts, the worries—the quiet contentment constantly present in the background can emerge. Be still and savor the awe inherent in nature: a sunset, flowers, breathing, a forest, vistas, or the vastness of space. The peaceful stillness and awareness that emerges is what Toll calls “inner space”.

Separate observation from interpretation. Events are experienced as: 1) neutral observations, 2) cognitive judgments, and 3) emotional appraisals.

Consciousness results from a strange loop.

Awareness of your breath creates space that invites the present moment in.

The universe consists almost entirely of empty space.

Cherish stillness.

Chapter 9
Our inner purpose is to gain perspective, focus on the present, and become aware of the interconnectedness of the world. Practice meta thinking; an awareness of your thinking.

This allows you to attain a viewpoint (an awakening) where you can observe your ego at work, isolate it, and decide not to let it proceed destructively.

Chapter 10
The entirety of the universe is vaster than anyone can comprehend. Therefore each of us has only a limited viewpoint on the universe. Each thought is only a tiny fraction of the whole and therefore not an accurate representation.

As we approach old age we naturally become less active. This decrease in doing provides space where we can increase our appreciation of being.

Eject introjected regulations so you can become integrated and accept everything you do. Enjoy most of what you are doing; become enthusiastic as you are achieving goals. Stress is a signal that we are resisting events rather than accepting them.

Value humility. Encourage it in yourself and others. It promotes peace on earth and goodwill toward all.

As you develop a robust theory of knowledge the true value of Tolle's book will become clear to you.

Spontaneous Conflict and Deliberate Restraint

2007-09-20T06:18:00.000-07:00

Abstract: Conflict emerges spontaneously whenever three conditions are present: 1) contention, 2) first person viewpoint, and 3) sources of power. Each of these conditions is a human universal. No wonder conflict is ubiquitous, and violence is such a prominent condition of human existence. However, humans also have the capacity for cognitive choice and deliberate restraint. The only alterative to conflict is choosing: 1) not to contend, or 2) to adopt alternative viewpoints, or 3) to exercise power only constructively.

Conflict
Human conflict is spontaneous, ubiquitous, and often violent. Siblings squabble; co-workers and associates bicker, betray, and sabotage each other, bullies abuse their victims, lovers quarrel, couples fight and divorce bitterly. Gang violence, rape, and murder occur constantly. The violence of war and genocide are nearly constant somewhere on our planet.

Contention
We contend for a wide variety of scarce resources. Shortages of earth’s land, forests, sea, fresh water, clean air, vistas, coast line, inhabitable regions, food sources, minerals, and other natural resources make tragedies of the commons all too common. When there is a shortage of food or water, a few get what they need, and many others don’t. Even when we have adequate water, food, and shelter, humans contend over many other scarce resources. We contend for territory, social rank, and sexual access to the most desirable mates. Siblings rival for parent’s attention; workers contend for the best assignments, the boss’s attention, the biggest raise, and the next promotion. We want to be the first on our block to own an iPhone, take the best vacation, own the biggest house, have an ocean view, drive the newest car, tell the most interesting story, and send the kids to the best summer camp and college. Even when physiological needs are fully met, we contend for attention, respect, acceptance, status, and image. We contend to meet our psychological needs for autonomy, competency, and relatedness that are poorly understood and rarely met. Money has been called the root of all evil, but we fight just as viscously even when no money or material goods are at stake.

Viewpoint
Each of us has our unique first-person viewpoint. No one else sees what we see, hears what we hear, knows what we know, and thinks what we think. Nothing anyone could say or do can become as vivid a reality as our own point of view. First person viewpoint is the fundamental asymmetry of humanity. Each of us sincerely believes our own perceptions, judgments, decisions, and opinions are the most reliable. We are intrinsically self-centered. We expect others to be reasonable; do it my way.

Power
Power is an asymmetrical relationship; the more powerful experience each interaction differently than the less powerful do. The one-down envies the one-up. Power arises from any one of three fundamental stances: the ability to harm, the ability to help, and the ability to influence.

Dominance is the ability to harm, and humans use their creativity to unleash the primitive concept of fighting and extend their ability to harm others in a remarkable variety of ways. These include visual and vocal threats, ridicule, teasing, accusing, blaming, insulting, criticizing, and other forms of humiliation. Positional authority and hierarchical organization structures formalize dominance hierarchies in many organizations. Alliances may form to balance formal power structures. Deceit, cheating, sabotage, and snares damage our colleagues and associates. Shouting, hitting, bullying, and fist fights routinely inflict their harm. Road rage is almost fashionable. Control and use of weapons and other technologies escalates violence on a massive scale.

Dominance triggers fear and leads quickly to insult, anger, humiliation, hate, and vengeance—the passionate desire for revenge. These powerful forces perpetuate destructive cycles.

Stature is the ability to help others, and it is a more difficult form of power to attain. But the rich, famous, talented, or dedicated can have an enormous impact. Philanthropists contribute money to help millions, dedicated scientists and doctors work to cure disease, social workers and activists help the less fortunate, and musicians give charity concerts, as others who could help only squander their wealth, fame, fortune, and talent.

The emotions of pride, shame, envy, gloating, and contempt fuel our quest for stature.

Influence is the ability to alter the belief of others. It is a subtle and insidious source of power. Billions of dollars depend on choosing Coke over Pepsi, and choosing to drink soda instead of water. More billions depend on the decision to smoke, drink, gamble, abuse drugs, buy the latest fashions, indulge our temptations, or succumb to the latest fad. Retail prescription drug marketing has increased sales by billions. Religions gain converts by influencing parishioners; political candidates gain office by influencing voters. Lobbyists get favorable legislation by influencing politicians. Public opinion determines winners and losers and even starts and sustains wars.

Conflict results whenever the asymmetry of power combines with the first-person viewpoint to contend for resources. Because these simple conditions are ever-present, conflict is spontaneous.

Restraint
Yet somehow civilization emerges from this barbarism. Humans have remarkable capacities for comprehension, planning, imagination, foresight, and compassion. We can choose to avoid conflict by how we decide to allocate resources, understanding other viewpoints, and restraining power.

Stewardship of earth’s scarce natural resources can conserve what we have and preserve adequate fresh air, fresh water, and food sources. Allocation agreements that ensure everyone has enough before anyone gets too much can meet the physiological needs of every person. Focusing on authentic stature rather than image and status symbols can reduce much of the contention for the first, biggest, and best. Choose to value peace of mind, integrity, giving and gaining the respect of others, tranquility, clean air, clean water, the beauty of nature, a healthy environment to enjoy now and sustain for the future, family, friendships, community, safety, stability, trust, leisure time, meaningful work, authentic experiences, reciprocity, respect, good health, reduced stress, ongoing education, fun, enjoyment of the arts, transcendence, and making significant contributions that help others. Know that there is enough to go around. Do your best; others do not have to lose so that you can win.

Engage in dialogue to fully understand other’s viewpoints. Listen with empathy, suspend judgment, act with respect, form your own carefully considered opinions, and only then speak your voice and act. Employ the fundamental principles of reciprocity and symmetry to attain a viewpoint that can be replicated and sustained. Constantly challenge your own first-person viewpoint by recognizing it is fundamentally self-centered. Challenge other’s self-centered viewpoints. Find an integrating point of view that accommodates all other fragmented viewpoints. Attain a viewpoint that sustains and advances all humanity.

Choose to exercise power only constructively; to help others, never to destroy and hurt.

Only through relentless restraint can we overcome spontaneous conflict and escape the prisons of fear, hate, violence, and humiliation.

How can you change another person?

2007-09-20T05:35:00.000-07:00

Q: How can you change another person?
A: You cannot change another person, however there are things you can do to assist someone who has asked you to help them change. The techniques of motivational interviewing can help someone resolve their ambivalence, uncertainty, and indecision about change, set a new and clear direction, increase their commitment to change, help them plan the steps they need to take, and give them confidence to make the changes they have decided on. The book Motivational Interviewing, by William Miller and Stephen Rollnick describes the technique in detail.

If someone has decided to make a change in their life, they may invite or request your assistance. Certainly you can help them. Before acting to help another person change it is important to preserve their autonomy, help them act consistently with their values, and overcome their inevitable urges to indulge impulses. Consider the example of a friend who asks you to help them stop smoking. Begin by agreeing on your role—what it is they want you to do and don’t want you to do. Who announces their plan for quitting smoking? If you see them smoking, or smell smoke, or see cigarettes or ashes around their house, what do they want you do? If they beg you to “let them have just one cigarette today and that will be all for the week” how should you respond? Understand and do what they actually want, not what you think they want or what you want for them. You can always encourage them to change for the better, but avoid nagging, coercing, patronizing, indulging, enabling, extorting, or coercing them.

Keep in mind that pleasing someone may not be helping them. You can please someone by assisting them in satisfying an impulse. But you may be indulging them rather than helping them. To help someone you have to assist them in acting consistently with their values. That may be much more difficult. This is the distinction between short-term pleasure and long-term gratification. Understand this distinction, and how the person you are offering to help wants you to do handle this inevitable conflict.

You can provide incentives to help someone make a positive change in their lives. For example, parents may offer money to a student for getting good grades. But in planning this approach it is important to understand the distinction between intrinsic and extrinsic motivations. Use the money briefly only to focus on a goal of helping the student discover effective study habits and the intrinsic joys of learning, discovering, and achieving. These can provide life-long benefits. If instead the transaction degenerates into the narrow deal “no money, no work” then when the money stops, the studying stops, and the student has learned only greed, instrumental behavior, and dependency. The play stops when the pay stops.

Influence causes change. People are remarkably susceptible to influence. We buy the latest fashions, prefer Pepsi over Coke, listen to the music that is most cleverly promoted, submit to many forms of peer pressure, and go along with the crowd, even if that requires becoming the rebel. Influence—achieving belief—is a powerful approach to changing what people believe, think, and do. It is effective, nearly invisible, and ubiquitous. Some influences, for example choosing an excellent role model, are constructive. Many influences, such as the ones that cause you to start smoking because you think it will make you cool, are destructive. Pay attention to the influences in your life, and make decisions based on your own well thought-out core values, not on today’s fads.

You can describe how you would like the person to change, why you believe it would be beneficial, and ask them to change. Engage them in a dialogue about the benefits of the change. Perhaps they will agree with your thinking and grant your request.

How you treat another person certainly affects how they behave, and how they treat you. When you treat someone respectfully as an intelligent peer, they are likely to respond similarly to you. If you treat them disrespectfully, they are likely to retaliate in some way. Both parties participate in each relationship. Perhaps the best way to get someone to change is to change how you treat them.

Coercion changes immediate behavior but often at the cost of long term resentment and anxiety. It causes people to act out of fear, or to select from a smaller set of alternatives. Coercive threats, ranging from “share your candy with me or I won’t be your best friend” to “Give me your money or I’ll shoot” are fast acting and long lasting. But they still depend on the free will of the victim. Gandhi said “You can chain me, you can torture me, you can even destroy this body, but you will never imprison my mind.” People resent coercion, the vindictive passions run strong, they rarely ever forget, and they are passionate about revenge and retaliation. Coercion relies on fear and unleashes anger, hatred, and the destructive cycle of revenge. It is a short sighted expediency with long-term costs.

Because you cannot change another person, you may decide that the best way to move forward with your life is to disengage from theirs. If they don’t understand their freedom ends where yours begins then it may be best to keep them at a distance. They have no right to trespass on your privacy, time, space, or attention. The intent in disengaging is to protect yourself so you can move forward with your life. It is not to punish them, teach them a lesson, or to ensure they get what they deserve. It may be helpful to discuss with them your reasons for the separation.

It is always helpful to keep in mind what you can change and what you cannot. It helps to attain the wisdom to know the difference. Certainly you cannot change the past, human nature, personality, or the laws of mathematics and physics. You can only change another person if they truly want to change and have requested your help in making the change.

Release of British sailors demonstrates the power of dignity

2007-04-04T12:59:00.000-07:00

The recent release of 15 British sailors, held for two weeks by Iran, provides more evidence that “all of history is the quest for dignity.” Apparently what Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wants most is to be taken seriously and to gain the respect of world leaders. Prime Minister Tony Blair allowed him that respect while negotiating for the release of the sailors. Both respect and humiliation are powerful tools in the diplomatic arsenal. Respect is often repaid with compliance. Humiliation is almost always repaid with violence. In this case it cost little or nothing to allow Ahmadinejad to preserve his dignity. Thoughtful observers are likely to conclude that the sailors never entered Iranian waters, their confessions were coerced, and the entire incident was another sophomoric adventure by the Iranians. In contrast, labeling Iran as part of the axis of evil humiliates the Iranians, and elicits a predictable and violent response.

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2007-03-22T06:20:00.001-07:00

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